Thursday, August 20, 2015


The rains have come at the right time this year
The right time because it is how I remember it
And just like the rains, the words and fears
They've come with a familiarity I'd rather have never remembered again
But the rain comes, like it must
Past many moons, that wax and wane
Returning as the Earth and Sun take their place
But everything is clean, and with promise
As long as the bees return there will always be honey

Thursday, January 9, 2014

If there is one thing true about me ...

If there is one thing true about me that not even I, in my ever swaying knowledge of myself, can deny as anything but steadfast, it is that I am full of hope. I am as optimistic as they come, but not blindly so. My optimism is based on my belief that everything moves. Not always in the speed and direction we wish they would, but there will always be movement. One can choose to remain rooted as the world around moves, but when the surrounding variables have moved on and changed, it leaves the person displaced relative to everything else that has moved.

So, any which way, there is constancy in change.

I acknowledge and accept that. Which is why, I believe, I am able to not stress out so much. You know, it's cool. Things have a way of working out, one way or another. We do our best (or not), the people and things around us do what they do, time does its thing, and things happen. We can't control the flow and outcome when there are countless variables.

So, I am good at keeping it together, as far as I'm concerned. There are others who are good at keeping it together too. Then there are those who are not very good at it. But for anyone who feels sorrow or anger, the need is to let it be felt. When we're happy, we rejoice! So, be sad or angry if that is what you feel. Let it happen. Being strong does not mean not ever letting yourself be down and/or frustrated when you are, in fact, down and/or frustrated. I would say, that the strength and wisdom is in allowing oneself to be what you are, while being mindful of its effects on others, and then resolving your anger and frustration, to be able to move forward.

I have my breaking points, no matter how hard I try sometimes to keep it all together ("no one needs to know, no one needs to see you weak"). I have learnt that I need to let myself be down and hopeless when I am feeling down and hopeless. Hopeless because things get a bit blurry and out of sight with all of that weight pulling down on me. When I have allowed myself to feel the sadness, let the weight flow out, I can see better again.

Also, you're fortunate if you have someone (or more) who gets that - lets you be what you need to be and is there to hold you steady when you are trembling and at risk of falling to break. Having that is to have the support to stand up again and be able to carry on fighting the odds and the dissidents, and to share in the triumphs and the joys.

So, yea ...

(Again, strange comfort in strangers. It was either this or some cryptic poems I've written over the last couple of days >_< )

Thursday, December 19, 2013

And I find thoughts and feelings that could be yours ...

And I wonder how that could be.

And so you take yours
Do what you have to
There will be no promises
That can't be kept
Knowing is never easy

And while it lasts
It holds
What do we do
But let it happen

And just like that
It all falls back
In to place
And I am over you

Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Cold Season

What is it about the cold season that seems to magnify so much of what goes on inside my head (and heart?)? It's like winter gets me. Which is strange, because my body really dislikes the cold. Yet, winter is when my heart feels most at home, or is missing home.

I've been feeling a sort of melancholy, musing on the limits that the human body imposes on the soul. For me, the thing about old age isn't the fear of getting closer to death. Not at all. It's more of a sadness that I feel, knowing that my restless and curious soul will be tied down by a body that can not move around as freely as my heart and mind need it to. Also, the inevitable loss of people who make your life recognizable as the one you've grown into it. I already dread it, the stillness and the silence ...

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Strange little notes

I have Whitman and Bukowski and Elena Tonra swimming in my head, and I remembered that I have a book full of scribbles somewhere.
I find strange little notes and longish notes that, at first, make me wonder why I wrote them. Then it comes back with an, "Oh yea... ".
And why do I find the need to share them with the world? Strange comfort in strangers...

And I know
That I can still hurt
And you can feel the same

Though earnest
Our black and white intentions
I've seen the grey

But I can't run
Sometimes memories
Just invade

I'd let it all pass
Everything unanswered
And the little-known pain

Darkness falls
And I feel the same
All over again


It's funny, dear
Feels like I lost you somewhere
I'd never meant for this
To take control like it did
But we never realised
We'd be just as easy
To go wrong
Like all the others


I could hear it starting in my head
Like a mad woman beginning her descent
Past that blurred uncertain line


Shifting moods deny me
Easy company
And what if I want to know you
What if I dare
Would you let me care
Or like most of the world
Misunderstand the need to be known
For compliant justifications


Sunday, November 3, 2013

" “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” "***

I met a drifter
When I was younger
And she left me wanting
Wanting the way she was
Because of the way she was
I was wanting
Wanting her
That is how it was

I keep asking the questions
What is and what is not
There is boldness in the barter
Nothing to figure out
That cannot be figured out
By denying a figure
A nature of something
The thing that is

I have jumped into the deep ends
Of swimming pools
Bounded and known
To know and to design
Or reject with knowing
This is or is not
But my intention is not
To put flesh to bone

I need the ocean that I fear
No more pool ends
And tiled depths
So deeply comfortable by now
I have swum till
There is no deeper
Still I fear my freedom
For I will be stripped away

( *** - The title is taken from the poem 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock' by T.S. Eliot)

Friday, March 29, 2013

Cuz I'm feelin' like it

A rant.

You know how once you give something a definition, or as soon as something is observed, recognised and assigned an identifier, it essentially takes away that thing’s inherent identity, merely by the process of having been observed and identified by an ‘other’ (‘other’ as being simply ‘everything/one separate from the subject’). It’s about bias and about perception which is other than the self’s. You’d think that, then, one’s own representation of one’s identity is the only one that could be pure and uninfluenced, but then, again, there’s the thing with mediums and language and translation - The attempt to or the having to convey to an other or others in a medium which is already biased.
What’s the point in all of this? It's all just going in circles.

Everything does move in circles it seems. Who knows when and if it will end, or change momentum or substance, and, if it does, what it will be like. What will we perceive of it? Will we even be around to make observations of this end/change or lack of (if it even ever comes to that)? Still going in circles at this point.

I’m led to thinking about Moses’ conversation with “God”, the bit with the burning bush. Moses asks God what His name is, so that he would be able to tell the Israelites who it was that had sent him. God replies, “I AM WHO I AM”, and tells Moses to tell the Israelites that 'Yahweh', meaning I AM, has sent him.
How cool is that! There is some very cool stuff in the Bible (some of you may know of my intense affinity to the book of Ecclesiastes), and this is one of the coolest things I’ve ever read.

One could try explaining to an other what or how or who (as “be”-ing) one is, as most of us are prone to do. To be brief (my alter-self would like to point out that this is already way beyond ‘brief’), ‘I am who I am’ does three things, the way I see it:

1. If you’re not a divine being, what it emphasises and, by way of precedence, essentialises, is simply the ‘be’-ing that you are.; and then all the adjectives and manifestations and incarnations can (as it will) follow. What matters primarily is that you are - that you are conscious of existence, simply put, and that, then, you are and can be a whole lot of things
It also is just a very good way to avoid introspecting in too much detail.
I find that justified, though. In my opinion, a person is a whole lot of things. No one’s ever going to perceive the whole of you exactly the way that you perceive the whole of you, if ever you even perceive the whole of you yourself. The thing is, you are who you are.

2. It escapes the trappings of biased, preconceived, pre-structured definitions of what or who such and such should be. It is a proclamation of what/who such and such IS and not what such and such ‘should be by previous observation’. Of course, you are then left with the undefined possibilities, which is the scary bit in all of this, but it is valid and shouldn’t be dismissed just because the unknown and the undefined makes for uncomfortable living. You are whoever you are, that doesn't have to fit into anyone else's definitions of ways to be.

3. If you’re God, it’s saying, “I AM. Everything that ‘I AM’ is and can be, and that is what I am.”
This makes 'I AM' an infinitely possible being. It is generally accepted that Moses wrote the book of Exodus (with divine guidance). I think that ‘I am what I am’ quite effectively presents the idea of a ‘beyond-all things, beyond any definition or logic or full comprehension’ divine being.

Here’s the thing - I think there are infinite possibilities to what any one of us non-divine beings could be, because there are that many combinations and permutations of possibilities of circumstance/situation or event or opportunity for anything to happen at any point in our lives, and also the multiplicity of perceptions, the self not excluded, and possible reactions/responses to any outside/other force or suggestion or enquiry. Of course, the difference between us and (if you believe in one) God is that God is able to control all the flows and outcomes of the infinite possibilities, whereas we cannot.

Disclaimer: However, what ‘I am what I am’ is NOT is an excuse to carry on as you are if what you are is in any way impinging on anyone else’s right to be the way they are. This brings in issues of violence and rights and justice and equal opportunity and whether we should let violent/racist/generally intolerant people be. The Golden Rule: “So long as it does not consciously take away another individual’s rights to the same”.

We change, we evolve - our thoughts and ideologies and perspectives, our feelings. May be not all people, but it is ‘possible’ for all. It depends on a lot of things, whether a personality evolves or remains unchanged. Or devolves. Subjectivity again. So many possibilities. It drives me crazy.

Why am I talking about change? I may change, you may change, they may change. There is always more - a building upon or a diversification or a giving up or an alteration or … a whole lot of things.
Abrupt end.